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baby diapers

DSC_3973Recovering from my mastectomy, getting ready to leave for Denver for my 6 week stay for radiation. The reconstruction has had its ups and downs, very painful at times, but I’m getting used to that! Feeling better all the time and trying to get my house back in order. This is an impossible task. I have a weight restriction of 10 lbs, and I want to throw 100 lb boxes of junk in the dumpster every day, so this is an issue. I seem to be craving a simpler life, less stuff, more time. I just want to completely work my house over. Not having control of anything this past year must be a big reason why I’m taking such drastic measures in my house! So far I’ve done pretty good, but today I had an emotional breakdown. Today I started on the kid’s closet. It’s so full of un-needed stuff, but it’s also full of all the baby stuff. I had been saving a full box of size newborn diapers for the baby I knew I would carry in the future. That baby won’t come. We will never use those diapers, or all those receiving blankets, or those sweet baby sleepers again. I lost it. I don’t know why it was the diapers that did me in, but I can barely look at them.

Reid wondered why I was crying and I told him, it was because mommy can’t have another baby. He said, “well not now because you’re sick, but when you’re all better you can.” I had to tell him, “even then I won’t, it is just going to be you and Ivy.” He thought about that a minute, and said “that’s ok.” When I look at the relationship I have with my sister, or the relationship my brothers have with each other, it just makes me sad. I wanted so badly for my kids to have that same thing. I know we are so blessed to have two healthy children, and I am so thankful for them, but my vision for my family has always been more children. I have had to mourn the idea of that, and keep my focus on what we do have. I’ve been thinking of positives to two children…smaller car, one hotel room, less college tuition…but I never thought about more children as more financial burden, I just saw them as a blessing to our family.

In the beginning of cancer, the hope for another baby was high. My doctor was very confident this could happen. After learning the news after surgery, that not only did I have one positive lymph node (which we already knew about) but two, things changed. They removed two at the time of surgery, our prayer is that those were the only two with disease. This is why the radiation is so important. It needs to knock out any remaining disease. This was a bad day when we learned of the two nodes. I went from feeling like we got it, I’m about done, surgery will take care of whatever is left after chemo….to, what does this mean for my life, am I going to spend the rest of my life in and out of remission? Are my children going to have to live without a mother?
In that moment I knew another baby was too much of a risk. I’m not willing to risk Reid and Ivy living without a mother, just so I can have another baby.
My cancer was fed by estrogen and progesterone, right now they are suppressing my ovaries with a monthly injection. If I were to go off the injection, get back to normal, and have a baby, my body would be once again flooded with these hormones that fed my tumor. I will continue to have faith that my body has been eradicated of any disease, but I still do not want to take that chance. I never want to go through this again.

So, in the meantime, I am looking at those two little kids and imagining their futures. Less fighting, more loving. Having each other, and being best friends. Like Jeff said, “we already have the perfect family.” After surgery, my mom asked me, “why would you want to have another, when you already have two perfect ones?”

We have these perfect plans for our lives, everything just so. Then something really big happens to throw us off our perfect plan, and it’s a hard life lesson. God’s plan is so much more perfect than anything I can think up in my head. Cancer has taught me to be patient, to hand over all control, and to live day to day. This isn’t easy, ever. I have those days, where I am perfectly content, just fine with not knowing the future or what tomorrow will bring. These days I know my heart is in the right place, with God. Trusting, hoping, having faith. I need more days like this, but lately I’ve had a lot more of the other kind. Since I started to feel better, I’m ready to get on with things. Ready for God to show me this big wonderful plan, today. Not tomorrow, or 3 months from now, right now. I’m tired of being patient and waiting around, I did plenty of that in the last 7 months. I help God out by coming up with, what I think are really awesome ideas, and just wait for God to say, “great one Tori! Let’s go with that!” God is reminding me daily to be patient, be still. So, while I’m being patient and still, I’m going to completely de-clutter my house! This could take years.
So…soon I will leave for Denver. I’m trying to think of it as a vacation to keep me positive. At this point, nothing phases me! Except baby diapers.

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