Over a 1/4 the way done with chemo. I’ve done 5 treatments and have 11 left. Today that feels like too big of mountain to climb, so I’m just going to focus on today. One day at a time, if I think about much more than that I just get overwhelmed. My body is responding great to the chemo, and the cancer is shrinking. This is great news! I felt so encouraged after finding this out, then I came home and started losing my hair. You know it’s coming, but you still really aren’t totally prepared. I can no longer pass for normal. I look like a cancer patient, and this isn’t an easy thing. I keep reminding myself that this is just one more step in the process of getting better. I don’t think it’s really about not having hair, as much as it’s about just looking “sick” and attracting way more attention than I want. I love the innocence of my kids. They don’t care a bit, and for that I’m thankful. It was like just another day to Ivy when Jeff buzzed my head. Like, we do this every Thursday! Reid came in and asked if I wanted my old hair back? They haven’t said a word about it since.
For now this is me, and I’d rather have my life than hair any day! Maybe it will grow back in the most perfect effortless beach wave. A girl can hope.
Doctors seem to think I’ve been doing great, so I’m going to take their word for it. It can always be worse! Seems every week is different, and just when you feel really good again, you get in the car and you drive west and start all over again. More than anything I’m tired. Sleeping at night has become a thing of the past, and naps aren’t happening either. Did you know that Forensic Files plays all night long on HLN? This is my go-to show. For some weird reason I find it relaxing. I think I like it so much because it has nothing to do with cancer. In November I will start on a new Chemo drug, and it’s supposed to be more difficult. I will cross that bridge when I get there. By my calculations we should be all done with chemo on December 22nd. Christmas can’t come fast enough this year! What a great feeling it will be to know I’m done for Christmas.
On the days I feel numb, or tired of this, or sad, I’m thankful for your prayers. I know that the strength or peace I have is not from me. I let myself off the hook and let God carry me. I’m only human, and a really tired one right now. God doesn’t expect me to carry this weight, and He takes it off of me daily. I think sometimes we think we need to be everything all the time, and we don’t. Life is so much simpler than we ever allow it to be.
I remember the first long day we had at the hospital in Denver, we spent all day in appointments with many different doctors and surgeons. It was not a fun day. As we leave the hospital I’m feeling exhausted and sad. Wondering why this is all happening to me? Then I look over to the Children’s Hospital as we turn to head back home, and say to Jeff, “It could be way worse, we could be going there.” He says, “you’re right, that would be way worse.” From that moment on I decided that me having cancer is not so bad. Every single time we drive in or out of our hospital I look over to Children’s and pray for every sick child in there, and their families who deal with the unthinkable. I would go through this 1000 more times to protect my kids. The parent’s of those sweet children are fighting a far greater battle than me. This has a way of whipping me into shape when I need it.
Jeff moved my computer into the house a couple of weeks ago, so when I feel good I can work. I’m doing my best to get caught up. I haven’t forgotten about any of you, I’m so thankful for your understanding! Some days I need the distraction of work, and others it’s just too much, but I haven’t boxed up my computer yet, so don’t give up on me!
We have been completely overwhelmed by the amount of love and support we have received. The cards, letters, gifts, prayers, time, and meals have been unimaginable. To say we have been blown away is an understatement. We just don’t feel worthy of all the generosity, but are so thankful for you all.
Because of God’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 23-23